SortaCrunchy

As He Leads Us: On Marriage, Part Three

Our As He Leads Us discussions began with emphasizing the role of the marriage relationship in the family and continued last week with briefly touching on how parenthood can strengthen the communication in marriage.  This week we continue in our discussions on how parenting can enrich our marriages by examining the idea of increased opportunity to serve one another once the little ones come along.

In early 2008, I read a book that has had a life-changing impact on how I view the marriage relationship.  Gary Thomas’s Sacred Marriage explores how the covenant of marriage and living out an active love for our spouse can teach us how to experience God and grow to be more like Christ.  It is a profound and insightful writing that I find myself returning to again and again. 

For me, the most pivotal chapter of the book is the one titled, “Make Me a Servant: Marriage Can Build in Us A Servant’s Heart.”  Throughout the chapter, Thomas reminds us “to be a Christian is to be a self-volunteering servant.”  He speaks to the fact that marriage with the intent of servanthood in mind runs completely contradictory to our cultural expectations, to say nothing of its opposition to human nature in general.  Included in the chapter is a selection from Gary and Betsy Ricucci’s book Love that Lasts in which they observe that the homemaker tending to the laundry and washing a sinkful of dirty dishes may wonder about the significance of her work.  They remind us that “in God’s eyes, nothing is more significant than servanthood.  The path to genuine greatness lies in serving.”

Throughout the chapter, Thomas looks at how marriage confronts us in our selfishness and affords us the chance to become more like Christ in our choice to serve our spouses.  He writes, “To fully sanctify the marriage relationship, we must live it together as Jesus lived his life – embracing the discipline of sacrifice and service as a daily practice.  In the same way that Jesus gave his body for us, we are to lay down our energy, our bodies, and our lives for others.”  These are challenging, convicting words, yet undeniable in the accurate picture of service modeled by Christ.

Before we had children, it was actually fairly easy to serve my husband.  Yes, I was a high school teacher with responsibilities to tend to at school, but outside of the classroom, nothing else really tugged at my time.  Of course I hung out with friends, was involved in church, participated in two book clubs, did volunteer work . . . but in our home and family life, I had the luxury and the freedom to focus my time and energy on my husband.  The true meaning of sacrifice in the context of service didn’t become real to me until after I became a mother and had unceasing demands on my time, thoughts, and energy.

What I’ve noticed, however, is that parenting from inside a framework of gently meeting the needs of our babies has allowed me to be keenly aware of my spouse’s needs as well.  In choosing a mindset of servanthood as I mother my children, it is imperative to call on Christ and ask Him to empower me in my daily tasks.  As He fills me with his Spirit, I become sensitive to the needs of others besides my children; most notably, I am sensitive to the needs of my husband. 

Kyle has risen to the task of serving me on so many occasions.  When Dacey was a newborn and I was perpetually tense with worries, he would massage my feet with lotion each night so I could relax and drift off to sleep.  When she was four months old and my body ached from days and nights of holding and rocking her, he sent me off for a ninety-minute message that felt like heaven.  There have been countless evenings when the work of the day has taken its toll on me and I don’t have it within in to prepare dinner and he has forgone “real food” and picked up take-out on his way home from work. 

For my part, I’ve chosen to iron his work shirts when I would have rather have lost myself in a new book.  I’ve stayed up to give him a shoulder rub when I would have rather slipped off to bed.  I’ve learned to plan my day so I can get a start on a healthy dinner before the chaos and meltdowns of the dinner hour hit. 

Choosing to serve another when you are well-rested and have your wits about you is noble.  Choosing the path of servanthood when you are sleep-deprived and suffering from Mommy or Daddy Brain is miraculous.  We cannot truly serve anyone without inviting the power of the Supreme Servant, our Lord Jesus Christ.  When I feel that I have nothing left with which to serve my husband, I’ve learned I must turn to Scripture for encouragement and prayer for empowerment.  For example, I might turn to Romans 5:5 and be reminded “God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us.”  And then I might pray something like, “Father God, please fill my heart with your love, a love that is not selfish or self-seeking, but a love that esteems and serves others.  Please fill me with your Spirit that I might serve you by serving Kyle today.” 

I can say without a doubt that having children has enriched our marriage in boundless ways because parenthood has spurred me on towards service in ways I never knew possible before.

Before I spur you on to share your feedback, I have to make a confession.  I wrote this entry as part of our chapter on marriage, and I was in much more wholly rested and serene place.  Kyle was out of town last week, and so of course I didn't sleep well.  And now AJ is cutting all four cuspids at once which means she is clingy and cranky during the day and is up for long stretches at night.  I don't really feel like serving anyone today; all I really want to do is stumble zombie-like back to my bed and hide from everyone under the covers.  So what I've shared above is definitely the ideal in my life . . . the reality is that this is so much easier to write about than to live out. 

Having said that, what is your take on the the notion of serving one another within the context of marriage?  Can you tell about a time when your spouse has served you in a way that made a significant impact on your life?  How have you been able to answer Christ's call to service for your spouse?  Has parenthood enriched or stifled your ability to serve your spouse?  All viewpoints and feedback welcome!

Unplugged

 

Taking the day away from blogs, message boards, Twitter, and Facebook.  Hope you have a lovely Friday.

 

Thank you, Alana, for the link!

She Speaks and speaks and speaks and speaks and speaks*

I was in the fifth grade the first time someone encouraged me in writing. 

It was a creative writing assignment - something along the lines of the adventures of a piece of chalkboard chalk who came to life and roamed the halls of the school - and my teacher was so impressed that she had me read my story out loud for the class.  Two decades have passed since that moment, but I can quite easily recall the warmth that covered my face and the way my fingers trembled, how my words tumbled out in a jumbly rush, how I was so eager for my classmates to hear the story I created and so desperate to be done and seated again so everyone would stop looking at me and the blush would fade from my face.

That was my first real external encouragement, but I can't remember a single day in my life when I needed internal confirmation of that compulsion I have to create something with words.  It wasn't until I was a teenager that I finally realized that not everyone put themselves to sleep at night by making up stories.  I'd been weaving intricate sagas that busied my mind with character development and story arcs long before I knew the technical name for either of those foundations of story.  Even still as an adult, on the rare, rare occasion when sleep doesn't come easily, I find comfort composing the odd story here and there, though I have long since acknowledged that a fiction writer I am not.  There's an easy consolation in that kind of creation, something that is as effortless as breathing in those sloppy, silly, comforting works never to be told outside of myself.

But then there is the other kind.  The kind of writing that my co-writer Laura and I took great risk in sharing with you earlier this year when we revealed our plans to move our humble writing project from the quiet privacy of our own discussions to the big, intimidating, exhilarating hope of publication.  From the time we began seeking the advice and counsel of those who understand how the world of publishing works, one piece of advice has surfaced time and time again: get yourselves to some writing conferences.

As regular SortaCrunchy readers know, Laura and I are each in the little-ones-at-home season of life.  Leaving home for a day is pretty monumental.  Leaving them for a weekend would be huge.  I've never been away from my Aliza Joy overnight, and the only time I've been apart from Dacey were the two nights I spent in the hospital when AJ was born.  Being the primary, consistent presence in my daughters' lives is crucial to me, and there are so very few reasons I would consider being away for them for a few days.

The wealth of information, teaching, and resources being offered at Proverbs 31 Ministries' She Speaks Conference would be well-worth leaving home for a few days to be able to attend.

For eight years, Proverbs 31 Ministries has been reaching out to women involved in some aspect of ministry through She Speaks, which derives its name from "the truth of Proverbs 31:26, 'She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue.'"  The conference offers sessions and speakers on topics relevant to speakers, writers, women's ministry leaders, teens, and - beginning this year - bloggers. 

Laura and I haven't talked about this publicly, but a few weeks ago, we were offered some gracious and extremely helpful advice from literary agent Rachelle Gardner.  In encouraging us in the path we will take with getting this book written and published, Rachelle encouraged Laura and I to both pursue speaking opportunities and magazine article publication as a way of expanding and building upon the platform we have worked to create here at SortaCrunchy.  We are so grateful for her direction, but admittedly feel vastly unqualified to know how to do either of those things.  She Speaks offers sessions for writers on how to write "Proposals that Wow" led by Christian publishing powerhouse Mary DeMuth, and Glynnis Whitwer will be teaching "Magazine Writing 101: Honing Your Writing Skills."  Lysa TerKeurst herself is teaching a session called "How to Write a Book." 

I'm a point in this journey where my passion for our message and my aching desire to minister to new moms won't be enough to get our book published.  My tool bag is stocked with the basics, but if I'm going to be serious about doing this thing, I have to be willing to invest in some power tools.  I am confident the She Speaks Conference is the best next step I can take.

I'm publishing this tonight as my entry in Lysa's scholarship contest for bloggers.  I completely realize I am getting this in under the wire, but it's not from lack of interest.  You'll recall that I mentioned how badly I want to attend She Speaks this year back in February.  I've debated with myself on whether or not to enter this contest.  I want to attend more than anything, but, in keeping with my surrender theme for this year, I've been unsure of how to approach funding for this possibility.  We don't have the $1000 it will cost for conference fees and airfare just sitting around, unearmarked and bored.  From the moment I read about She Speaks, I've tried to remain yielded up to God - praying that whatever His will is in this matter would be my will, too.  Finally, today I decided that this may be an avenue through which He will provide the means for me to go.  And if it's not, that's okay, too. 

At the very least, I've gotten to share with you all about this amazing conference.  Maybe you'll make plans to attend this year or the next.  God has clearly gifted the Proverbs 31 team with a passion and a vision for ministering to women who are in the trenches of ministry, and I am more than happy to play a small role in helping them spread the word about She Speaks 09.

* Post title inspired by Dacey's beloved Martha Speaks - lyrics here and listen here.  (Well, that and my propensity for prolific loquaciousness, right Jill?)

(For the purposes of this contest, comments are open.)

Support the Kyle David Miller Foundation

Last month when I wrote on the importance of car seat safety, I mentioned the Kyle David Miller Foundation which works in his name to 1) educate the public about seat belt failure and car seat safety and 2) provide safe car seats to those who otherwise could not afford them.

I've been in touch with Laura Bower, executive director for the foundation (and child passenger safety tech), and she filled me in on something each of us can do to support this foundation.  From now until the end of April, you have the chance to purchase raffle "tickets" which will give you a chance to win the Graco Snugride 32 infant car seat system (carseat, base, and stroller) as well as your choice of Pacimal (oh my gosh, go look at those - so cute and SUCH a great idea!).  Each raffle entry is only $10, and you can purchase multiple entries for multiple chances to win!

As several of you mentioned in the comments on my car seat safety post, there are so many parents and care givers who simply do not know some of the most basic principles of child passenger safety.  The Kyle David Miller Foundation is committed to educating care givers everywhere on how to keep our little ones safe in the vehicles in which we place them. 

Click here to support the foundation through this raffle!

I know everyone involved with the foundation would be honored if you would consider passing along this information through email, Twitter, Facebook, or on your own blog. 

(Comments closed)

The Confessional: My Well Babies

When I first started cloth diapering, I immersed myself into the world of cloth diapering "hobbyist" message boards.  (Yes, such a thing exists.  We can talk more about it privately if you like.)  It wasn't long before I encountered some truly crunchy mamas whose approach to living looked far different from anything I had ever been exposed to.  I can remember the first time I read a post from a mama who chose not to vaccinate her children, and who, in fact, didn't take them in to see the doctor for scheduled well visits at all.

Hmph!  I remember thinking.  Well that's irresponsible.

I dutifully took Dacey in for each visit on the schedule and she received all of her immunizations at the prescribed time.

When I was pregnant with AJ, my best friend Kim and I started exploring the idea of delaying and selectively vaccinating.  As you know, I carefully created a schedule that I felt more comfortable with and stuck to it. 

And then we moved.

Today's confession:  AJ hasn't been in for a well visit (nor received a vaccination) since she was six months old.  One year ago this month.  I've become the mom that makes pediatricians not want to work with parents on vaccine schedules.  I made a schedule, and I have not followed through.

The thing is that the girls are just so well.  Healthy, I guess.  We did have to take AJ in to see someone last fall when a mystery virus caused her to run a high fever for days, but other than that - nothing.  Dacey starts pre-K in the fall (I like to phrase it that way because I have a hard time saying "She starts pre-K in five months" without choking back sobs), and she needs to complete her immunization schedule.  I just get overwhelmed thinking about reworking AJ's schedule.  I know I need to.  Anyone wanna hold my feet to the fire until I get it done?

Photo courtesy of Lee Nachtigal

Comments closed during Lent 09

Warts and All: The Confessional

From time-to-time, I get emails from friends and readers asking for my advice or insight on a topic.  Mostly, these have to do with delaying vaccinations, but sometimes the questions delve into much deeper, more profound areas of life.  It never fails that I am completely and utterly humbled that anyone would ask me a question on anything.

(Probably those who live with me and know me the best are equally stupefied.)

A few weeks ago, my dear friend Laura was sharing with me something that she learned at a writing workshop on crafting the personal essay.  She told me how the writer who was teaching this workshop really challenged them to dissect each sentence in a paragraph and dig out what the real truth was in each statement, separating it from that which might be . . . oh, I don't know . . . not so true.

Laura and I talked about how, as writers, we tend to be pretty adept at packaging the truth of our lives.  We play a little fast-and-loose with some of the details of events, circumstances, and relationships - not to be intentionally dishonest, just as a device to make the piece work.  We become masters of self-editing the story as it gets told and re-told.

That which I share here at SortaCrunchy is only just a sliver of the way real life plays out every day.  And what I share here, well, a lot of it has been packaged.  I try to be as transparent as possible, but life is too complex to translate into utter transparency all the time in a venue as limiting as blogging can be. 

I've wondered if those who have only recently come across this blog have seen my "closed for comments during Lent" note and wondered if I think I'm some kind of special or possibly that I am a magnificent show-off.  I assure you, this is hardly the case.  I struggle with weakness daily - hourly! - and in an attempt to do better at "keeping it real," I thought I'd start a new sometimes series called The Confessional.  Less packaging.  More authentic.

For example, not many know this, but I have a wart.  A real live honest-to-goodness awful ugly wart.  Worse yet?  I've had it for years.  Years and years and years.  At least since Kyle and I were newlyweds (nearing eleven years ago).  It's not the first one I've ever had, but I find the wart removal process to be revolting and so I just haven't done anything about it.  See it?

 

Gross.

More confessions to come.

(Comments closed for Lent '09, but please know I don't think I am any kind of special)

As He Leads Us: On Marriage, Part Two

The girls and I had a great time celebrating Spring Break last week.  I am, however, excited to get back to our weekly As He Leads Us discussion!  We continue this week in talking about marriage.  Two weeks ago, we opened the marriage discussion by examining the need to nurture and honor the marriage as the primary relationship in the family.  Near the end of that post, I proposed that this season of raising babies can be looked at as a catalyst for increased connectedness and powerful partnering.  It is there that I would like to pick up today.

In the months leading up to Dacey's birth over four years ago, I worried a lot about what would happen to our marriage after we became parents.  I think many first-time parents share this worry.  My chief concern was that motherhood would so consume me that I would have nothing left of myself to offer as a wife.  Kyle and I had been married for six-and-a-half years by the time Dacey came along, and our marriage had grown to a place of mostly smooth sailing.  I knew the boat was about to be rocked and I was afraid.

I'm just going to be completely honest with you here.  The first four or five months after Dacey was born, I was so focused on my desperate attempts to follow what the sleep-training/parent-directed scheduling manuals told me I should be doing that I utterly neglected my marriage.  I was constantly distracted by the schedule for the day - analyzing and over-analyzing the exact minutes Dacey slept (or didn’t sleep), calculating the total number of minutes she had spent nursing, and worrying over the bad and decidedly unindependent sleep habits I was allowing her to create.  The persistent guilt and consistent frustrations left me completely unavailable to my husband.

The day that Kyle insisted that I close the books and made me promise not to open them again was the day healing and reconnection began between us in our first year as parents.  By the time Aliza Joy came along, I found I could see with clarity the three main areas that parenthood has strengthened our marriage - communication, service, and intimacy.  Today I just want to speak briefly on communication.

Anyone who has ever written anything on marriage ever has emphasized the importance of communicating with your spouse, so this is nothing new.  What I find to be new within me in my second go ‘round as a new mother is a freedom to express to Kyle when I am struggling as a mom without fear because parenthood has forced me to learn and rely on good communication with the man who shares the responsibilities of parenting with me. 

Choosing to parent through gentle servanthood can be emotionally and physically exhausting.  There is always the temptation to withdraw into isolation or to suffer in silence, yet the yield for these choices is nearly always bitterness, resentment, and anger.  When faced with the very real challenges of caring for little ones, each partner has the opportunity to open up to the other about the burden he/she is carrying or an area where support is needed.  Wives, don't assume your husband will just know when you need an hour or two out of the house alone - communicate it clearly.  Husbands, don't insist that your wife should be able to sense that you are feeling like an outsider - help her to understand your perspective.

As with all things marriage, this is all so much easier to write than to practice.  I’ve never felt comfortable with showing sincere vulnerability.  I was fully invested in the self-reliant mask I’d created through the years, and the thought of revealing myself as anything less than able fully competent terrified me.  As I’ve grown as a mother, I’ve learned there is no shame in revealing my weaknesses, and that my husband is completely trustworthy in his acceptance of my shortcomings.  Nothing else in my life had ever caused me to lower my carefully poised I've-got-it-all-together mask like parenting has, and this has opened fresh and powerful channels of communication between Kyle and I that I never would have dared to explore before we had children.

Just as parenting can reveal a need to communicate in the rough spots, it also affords the chance to share unspeakable, exquisite joy with another.  In the earliest days, we sat together and marveled at the magnificence of the baby we had created together.  Her every sigh set off thrills of astonishing bliss, and we soaked up the wonder of it all together.  As the girls have gotten older, we’ve continued to share the delight in the gifts God has given us.   I can’t tell you how many nights Kyle and I have laid in bed and just laughed our heads off at the outrageous things the girls have said or done during the day.  In fact, this end-of-the-day recap of the highlights of the day is one of the ways Kyle ministers to me the most by directing my mind back towards gratitude for our wonderful, magnificent girls.  Communicating our delight in our children is just as important as sharing our struggles.

Laura and I so look forward to hearing your feedback on this aspect of marriage!  How has parenting affected the communication level in your marriage?  Parents and not-parents-yet alike - what is your best practical tip to keep the conversations going with your spouse? 

You Capture. Week Four.

I know, I know.  I'm on Spring Break.  But Beth's You Capture assignment for the week was on shadows.  This little AJ shoe looked like it had a story to tell, and I couldn't resist.

 

Click here to see everyone else's shadow-y captures.

(Comments closed during Lent 09)

SortaCrunchy on Spring Break

The Bradfords, they are a'bloomin.'  Spring Break has arrived to these parts and I'm enjoying time with my sisters this week.  Hope there are more blooms than snowflakes where you are, too!  See you back next week.

(Comments closed.)

picture by sciondriver

7 Quick Takes: March 13th (lots of food edition)

1.
Just so much going on in this past week . . . so much I haven't fully processed and am not ready to talk about here.  I'm gonna fall back on one of my favorite things to talk/learn about: food!  Cooking and baking are hobbies I've aquired by necessity in the past few years, and though I am nowhere near possessing the kitchen prowess my writing parter/mind twin Laura displays, I am always willing to learn more.

2.
A year or so ago, I came across Hillbilly Housewife.  The link that first led me there was her $70 low cost menu, and from there I discovered a wealth of frugal recipes.  Most all of her recipes are of the "from scratch" variety and are worth the effort.  Her homemade breadsticks are a quick and YUMMY favorite.  The cheese enchiladas get made a lot around here - far better than any I've had out-to-eat.  (Better - dare I say it? - than Joe T's!)

3.
I'll be honest - all that cooking from scratch leaves behind a mountain of dishes to wash.  I'm reminded of Brennan Manning's thoughts from Ruthless Trust, the chapter on "The Geography of Nowhere" in which he relates an exchange between Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh and Christian leader Jim Forest (as told in The Miracle of Mindfulness):

So they finished dinner and Nhat Hanh said he would wash the dishes before getting the tea.  Jim offered to do the dishes, while Nhat Hahn was preparing the tea; but Nhat Hahn said, "I am not sure you know how to wash dishes."  Jim laughed at him and said, "Of course I know how to wash dishes, I've been doing it all my life."  "No," the monk said, "you would be washing the dishes in order to have your tea and dessert.  That is not the way to wash dishes.  You must wash dishes to wash dishes." (bolding mine)

Manning follows with

Washing the dishes is not a mindless interlude before the banana creme pie.  Rather, at its best - done with alertness and attention to the washing - it is excellent preparation for prayer (p. 157).

Indeed.  In my least grateful posture, a countertop and sink that spill over with dirty dishes invites resentment, bitterness, and exhaustion.  If I accept the invitation as a preparation to prayer, then standing at my kitchen sink places me in a posture to be so grateful for an abundance of food, the beloved tummies that are now full, hot and clean water with which to wash, a kitchen in which to stand, and so on and so on.

And again, I digress.

4.
So, I'm a bit fixated on granola right now.  After I mentioned this in a previous 7QT, my blogging friend and reader Jeana emailed me to suggest another great granola recipe she has come across: Gluten-Free granola from the Ordering Disorder blog at Work It, Mom (which seems to be a great resource for working moms!).  I look forward to trying this granola recipe (steel cut oats - yes!) and it looks like there are many family-friendly recipe finds at Ordering Disorder to try out with my four year old sous-chef.

5.
So everyone knows Cake Wrecks and Bakerella stand out in the land of baking blogs.  One I bet you haven't read that is every bit as clever, visually appealing, and drool-worthy is Velvet Lava.  Go.  Enjoy.  (Introduced to me by Laura.  She never disappoints in her recommendations.)

6.
Another great recommendation came from my friend Karen who showed me the way to My Kitchen Cafe (totally unintentional rhyme there).  Karen suggests the Vanilla Pudding Cinammon Rolls with Cream Cheese Frosting which I have not dared to try yet.  I have, however, tried the Bourbon Chicken (we had it on Mardi Gras - seemed appropriate), the Sweet and Spicy Slow Cooker Chicken, and the Best Sloppy Joes and all were delish.

7.
Finally, as the weather turns warmer, you know you are going to be firing up your grills.  May I tell you again that my husband makes the best burgers ever ever ever in the history of mankind?  He whipped up a slew of them last weekend - the grape jelly and BBQ sauce kind - and oh my.  Just unbelievable.  The sugar in the grape jelly gets all dark and burnt-ish on the outside (carmelizes?  it's over my head) and the inside is so moist and full of flavor.  I could eat one now, at 9 in the morning.  Yes I could.
(Sidenote - we can't find ground brisket around here, so we are back to plain ol' ground beef.  Still just as yummy as ever though.)

Happy 7QT on this Friday the 13th!  Have a delicious weekend!

Comments closed during Lent 09

granola picture courtesy of moria