Last week, Laura and I received an email from a reader that I think raises a great issue in the midst of our discussions on spirit-led parenting. The question this reader brings is one that Laura and I have struggled a bit in how to answer because it's not something that we have dealt with on a personal level.
Reader "M" has a brand new baby (less than six weeks old) and she is finding that she and her husband come from different backgrounds and different philosophical approaches to what life with a newborn should look like. M describes her upbringing by saying
I was raised by homeschooling AP-style parents (way before ‘AP’ was a common term). I definitely had a 'sorta-crunchy' childhood, surrounded by gentle, wise, nursing-everywhere homeschooling mamas. There was so much joy and security in the way I was raised, it’s only natural to me to want to continue this with my daughter.
Her husband, on the other hand, was brought up in a more traditional, mainstream background where one might hear concerns expressed about the dangers of co-sleeping and that too much holding will spoil a newborn. M emphasizes that both she and her husband are believers and that he is a loving, godly man who is a wonderful partner and provider for their family. The concern lies that in these early weeks, they aren't on the same page. She writes
I’ve tried to gently introduce AP/gentle parenting concepts but I’m not sure I’m getting through. Meanwhile, I’m not about to leave our little one to ‘just cry it out’ and it’s creating major tension… especially at night. We're so tired it's hard to make time to have a one-on-one adult conversation about this, and frankly, I don't know where to start reconciling our two different experiences growing up and how that's shaped our view of parenting.
She wonders, "The (As He Leads Us) philosophy you share on your blog is much akin to how I feel... and where do you start sharing such an all-encompassing, holistic view?"
This question really challenged me because although Kyle and I come from slightly different philosophies on life with a newborn, we sort of muddled our way through together without any out-and-out disagreement. Laura and Mark shared the same experience. We do feel this is a very legitimate and relevant question for many new parents, though, and so we are going to offer the advice that come to mind for us as we have individually prayed through how to respond. I'll share Laura's response here in the post and my own response in the comments.
From Laura:
Congratulations on your new baby! Those first three months or so are full of precious moments...and it can also be one of the most difficult for new parents to navigate, both individually and as a couple. I wonder if, beyond even the very valid hurdle you may be facing with your different upbringings, some of the difficulties your husband is feeling may be a result of his adjustment to fatherhood. Oftentimes, I think, we're quick to focus on the changes that a new baby means for the life of the new mother, and can somewhat overlook the upheaval in the father's life.
As I read through your e-mail, I did some pondering about what I've learned about my husband as I've watched him face difficult times (parenthood-related and otherwise) through the years, and also about what he struggled with when we brought our first baby home. Three main points came to mind in these reflections.
First, men tend to want to be "fixers." I know that when there's a point of difficulty in our home, no matter how large or how trivial, Mark immediately gravitates towards looking for a logical, efficient solution. Which works well...when there is one! But in those times when there's no quick fix, or when layers of emotion or a other complicating factors muddle the path ahead of us, it's a little more difficult for him to let go of the need to swoop in and make things right.
Secondly, no matter how attentive we are, as wives, to making sure that we're tending to our husbands as well as our children, there is inevitably a feeling of "Hey, where did my wife go?" that new fathers face as they watch the little one take up so much of our precious time and energy, particularly in those first few months.
And thirdly, as much as I struggled with wondering, "Will my life ever feel normal again?" when I became a mother, I think my husband felt the same way. With our second child, we were able to have more perspective on those early days, knowing that things would settle down, sleep would eventually come again, and life would feel more manageable and relaxed in time. But the first time around, it seemed as though life was permanently turned upside-down, and it was hard to imagine anything feeling "normal" again.
I wonder if your husband might be struggling with some of those same questions. If perhaps the need to "fix" a difficult situation is prompting him to advocate a logical solution over one that is guided more by emotion and feeling. If there is a part of him that is really missing the days when you had more time and energy to devote to each other. And if he's reeling from the feeling of a life that seems so foreign and exhausting, and can't imagine a light at the end of the tunnel.
If any of this rings true, the advice I would give is to sit down and talk. Explain the reasons that you feel led to a gentler, more responsive style of parenting, and the benefits you believe will result, and acknowledge that these concepts might feel somewhat foreign to him because of his childhood experience. Talk about what the two of you can do to nurture your relationship as a couple. And try to develop a team approach, recognizing that easier days will come, and maybe setting a goal of a month or two to reevaluate how things are going and how both of you are feeling about your parenting decisions and what is working well or might need fine-tuning.
* * * * *
I'll share my response in the comments, but I would absolutely love to hear what you all have to say on this matter - no matter where on the parenting philosophy spectrum your beliefs fall. What advice/encouragement would you share with new mama M?
