SortaCrunchy

Points to Pick with Ezzo: Part 4

(This is the third installment in a series I originally envisioned as two posts.  Posts preceding this one include Part 1, Part 1.5, Part 2, and Part 3.)

With many apologies, I simply have to say one more thing before I move into my closing thoughts on Mr. Ezzo, Babywise, and something significant the Lord revealed to me about this whole topic in the past week.

I've noticed as I've read through the comments and feedback from the few brave and admirable souls who have shared their families' positive experiences with incorporating the Babywise methods into their approaches for baby care: most of the positive feedback had to do with the benefits of a feeding schedule.  As I have shared earlier, I personally have little argument against this concept.  I've seen it work just fine for my oldest child, and I know from my personal experience that demand-feeding can work just fine, too.

But.

There is one aspect of the Babywise method that I simply and utterly cannot - will not - stand in agreement with, nor am I able to close this series without speaking to it: cry-it-out infant sleep training.

As I look over the past four and a half years and the passionate interest in all things parenting that has grown in my heart since I became a mama, I am filled with gratitude that God sent to me a high-needs, non-independent sleeper for my first child.  Had He sent me Aliza Joy first, I know my thoughts on this matter would have been decidedly more smug.  Ironically, AJ would have been a model Babywise baby.  Although as a toddler she is gloriously wild and untamed soul, she was an extremely easy, laid-back, "angel" baby.  I could have (and sometimes did) put her down to nap or for the night fully awake and she would have been content to drift off to sleep on her own.  This was not a result of anything I did - it was simply her temperament.

It was with her big sister, however, that I earned my stripes in the trenches of infant sleep.

Beginning at two weeks old, she simply would not nap longer than forty-five minutes at a time.  This threw our whole Eat-Play-Sleep schedule completely out of whack.  I read every infant sleep book recommended to me - no kidding, every single one, except for The No-Cry-Sleep-Solution, which puzzlingly no one told me about - and I tried a myriad of suggestions to get her to sleep longer than forty-five minutes at a time.  Had I been a veteran mom, I would have known that The Dreaded Forty-Five Minute Naps is actually quite common, and that I could just go with it and her naps would consolidate into longer stretches when she was an older baby (six months was the magic milestone for Dace).

So not only did we have the nap issue, there was also the going to sleep issue.  Every single time I tried to lay her down to sleep when she was drowsy but still awake, absolute desperate screaming would ensue.  What Babywise didn't prepare me for was the physiological reaction that would manifest itself in me each time I walked out of her bedroom as she lay there, screaming for me - my heart would race, my hands shook, I absolutely could not think about anything else other than the overpowering and overwhelming urge to go in and pick her up and soothe her.  The only things that worked for Dacey were the three things that Babywise labels as "potentially harmful" - nursing, rocking, and sharing sleep.

You know, as a more experienced mama, I can look at that paragraph and think, "So what?  So you have to rock her to sleep?  Big deal.  She was fine!  Look at her - she is a totally normal, completely developmentally on track preschooler now.  It's FINE!"  As a brand new mama, as I rocked her in that rocking chair, an internal battle raged.  I knew I could get her to fall asleep peacefully if I rocked her.  Yet in my head, a voice-over reminded me of everything Mr. Ezzo had said about these techniques.  Things like, "Parents don't need to be in bondage to their baby's sleep needs," and "None of the sleep manipulation methods offer any healthy advantages" and "Why use sleep association props in the first place, when a basic routine will naturally enhance restful sleep?"

Oh yes.  There it was.  The heart of my struggle.  I was faithfully following our Eat-Awake-Sleep schedule.  Faithfully.  That part was working fine.  Mr. Ezzo writes in the chapter on "Hunger and Sleep Cycles" that, "There is a direct relationship between regular daytime feeding periods and nighttime sleep patterns."  Poor little Marissa, the demand-fed baby, will have great difficulty sleeping through the night because of the unpredictability of her daytime feeding.  But, Chelsea, on the other hand sleeps great! 

On page 51 of the 1995 edition of Babywise, Mr. Ezzo writes

One of the most obvious benefits of parent-directed feeding is the establishment of stable nighttime sleep patterns.  That means your baby sleeps all night, along with the rest of the family.  Healthy, full-term babies are born with the ability to sleep continuously for seven to eight hours during the night, usually within eight weeks.  Much of your success will depend on your parenting philosophies and feeding practices.  (emphasis mine)

I was following the schedule but having no success.  The only part of his approach to parenting an infant I couldn't force myself to do was leave her to cry alone.  It didn't work.  There was no self-soothing, there was only increased hysteria. 

I became consumed with sleep and lack thereof.  Instead of treasuring what I now know are fleeting and precious days of newborn sweetness, I filled out painstakingly detailed sleep journals and read book after book and website after website that offered all manner of solution for her "problems."  I was bitter and resentful of my baby and her inability to just do what the book said she would do and I was drowning in self-loathing for not being tough enough to let her cry it out.

I have written tons on this.  Many of you have read it before from me.  I just want to make clear that when many people hear Babywise, they think scheduled feeding.  When I hear Babywise, I think baby screaming.

I now believe some of the advice and assurances Mr. Ezzo offers about leaving a baby to cry to sleep is misleading and dangerous.  The main issue I have is that he makes absolutely no distinction between a nine day old and a nine month old baby.  The methods he prescribes when it comes to infant sleep are developmentally inappropriate. 

Some closing thoughts:

• Excessive crying (such as is produced by leaving a newborn to scream by himself) is dangerous. 
• You can understand the importance of infant sleep without insisting on implementing cry-it-out m methods.
• Night waking in infants may serve important biological functions.
• Schedule or no schedule, breastfed babies will sleep different and have different needs than formula-fed babies.  There is a body of research that supports this.

In all honesty, I could a series on cry-it-out infant sleep training itself, but I think I'll stop here.  Just know that while there are parts of Babywise that I find no argument with, this is one area where I wholeheartedly disagree.

I welcome discussion on this topic, but as always, please remember to direct your thoughts towards the practice of sleep training, NOT TOWARDS PARENTS WHO PRACTICE IT.  This means please refrain from using words like "barbaric," "unloving," and "cold-hearted" to describe parents who choose this practice.  It is fine to disagree with a concept.  It is not fine to attack or be hateful towards other parents.

photo courtesy of Kekka

just one mama

Not long after AJ was born, I found myself repeating this phrase throughout the day - not so much for the benefit of either child, but more so as a reminder to myself: I'm just one mama.

That simple mantra is on my tongue and in my thoughts a lot right now.

I know I owe you one more Ezzo post (oh please, let it be just one more), and it's not quite ready yet.  If it makes you feel any better, I was planning to have my review of Amanda Blake Soule's Handmade Home ready for publication at Simple Kids today, but that's not going to happen either.

What has been happening is

• I got to meet long-time blogging friend Stacey yesterday, and we had a wonderful time.  Definitely one of those people whom upon meeting, you quite naturally feel as if you have been "real-life" (I loathe that phrase) for years.
• The process of potty learning is still going on with AJ.
• I got my copy of Free-Range Kids and I am utterly engrossed with it.
• Recently my friend Laura wrote about the writing practice of not telling your stories out loud.  My sister Emily has been staying with us for a little bit and we have been talk, talk, talking away these summer days.  And when the day is done and the girls are in bed, we go swing on the front porch swing and talk some more.  The communicative energies that are usually channeled through the keyboard and onto the screen are being directed a different way right now. And it's good and it's nice and I like it.
• Dacey's first day of school is exactly two weeks from today.  My heart is checking off days on the calendar with a mixture of excitement and dread.

All of that is to say, hang tight.  I'll find a moment amidst all of the late summer pollen collecting to be still enough to bring resolution to this discussion.  Much gratitude for your patience.

photo courtesy of Lida Rose

Points to Pick with Ezzo: Part 3

(This is the third installment in a series I originally envisioned as two posts.  Posts preceding this one include Part 1, Part 1.5, and Part 2.)

Thank you for your gracious patience while I spent some time thinking, praying, and reflecting through the weekend.  God has provided me with some insights that, frankly, have caused me to squirm a bit.  I am thankful that (for once) I took the time to sit in quiet with Him before I continued throwing up my thoughts on Mr. Ezzo and Babywise all over the place.

At the end of Part 2, I said I wanted to move forward with speaking on the culture of fear in Christian parenting and the non-scheduling family portrayed in the pages of Babywise.  Let's pick up right there.

One of the most frequent commands in all of Scripture is the command to "fear not."  Quite literally from Genesis to Revelation, we are told by our loving and sovereign God over and over again, "Fear not!"  But we are not perfect, and we are prone to believing only what our eyes and our present circumstances tell us is true.  I myself am a believer prone to fear, and I rather suspect I am not alone. 

Within many Christian communities, the sickness of fear manifests itself in a specific way: fear of man.  And to be even more specific than that, many of us suffer the infirmity of fearing another's assessment or appraisal of us.  In my experience, nothing can make you feel more like you have just been measured by The Yardstick Of The Approval Of Others like parenting can.

The behavior of your children when they are interacting with others (no matter how formal or informal the environment may be) is often viewed as a direct reflection of the quality of parenting that child is receiving.  This is, frankly, a rather false assessment tool because as we all know, on any given day, there could be a myriad of factors playing into the behavior others are seeing.  And yet I think that for Christians who are interacting with one another in a community, there is great pressure to have perfectly behaved children - all the time.

Come with me for a moment to the book of Proverbs.  This book is filled with all manner of practical advice to give "prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the young" (chapter 1, verse 4, NIV); essentially, it's a handbook for life of sorts, with the ultimate purpose being that of a happy life lived in the pursuit and practice of wisdom.

Proverbs provides many insights into parenting, and how to nurture your child towards the pursuit of wisdom.  One such proverb that gets a lot of play in some Christian parenting materials is found in Chapter 22, verse 15, and it states:

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.

(Folly = foolishness)

(I am not - I will say it again - AM NOT going anywhere near an interpretation of the latter part of that verse.  If we try to talk about Ezzo and Babywise AND corporal punishment all in the same week here?  I know for a fact that both my brain and this blog will implode.)

There are several ways to look at the first part of that verse.  In Eugene Peterson's paraphrase The Message, he interprets the proverb like this:

Young people are prone to foolishness and fads; the cure comes through tough-minded discipline.

Notice how he went with the "young people" phrase here rather than "child"?  There is some question amongst scholars and interpreters whether the word should be "child" or "youth."  (Some interesting thoughts on the proverbs and "training a child" here.)  Regardless, the message here is one that speaks of that theological concept of Original Sin.  I love Matthew Henry's commentary on it:

Sin is foolishness, it is in the heart, there is an inward inclination to sin: children bring it into the world with them; and it cleaves close to the soul. We all need to be corrected by our heavenly Father.

See how he spins it around on you?  Oh yes, your children are prone to sin.  We all have an inward pull towards sin and we all need to be corrected by God our Father.  I know it seems like I'm really spinning of course, so let's get back on track.

The latter part of this proverb says that correction is needed to drive sin from the child. 

A child misbehaving (acting foolishly) = (perception) that parents aren't correcting child
and
A child misbehaving (acting foolishly) = judgment not from God (the only One equipped to judge) but from others in faith community
and
Judgment from others = not good feeling
then
not good feeling = fear of other's assessment of parenting choices
and then
fear of opinions of others = parenting from a place of fear of man rather than leadership from God through His Word and the movement of His Spirit within

Does this make any sense at all?  Sometimes even I cannot follow my own thought patterns.

Basically, many Christian parents live in fear of being embarrassed by their children's behavior around other Christians because children who act up must have parents who don't discipline, right?

** ED. NOTE: If you have kind of zoned out (and who can blame you?) we will start talking about Babywise again NOW **

What on earth does this have to do with babies and Babywise?

Well, I've long felt that as someone who is intimately familiar with the culture and climate of Christian parenting, Gary Ezzo exploits the fears of many Christian parents by portraying families who don't follow Babywise as families where the children usurp the authority of the parents and bring shame on them with their selfish, demanding behaviors.

(Notice how I used the past tense "felt" there?  It's going to get really interesting in the next section of this series.)

For those not familiar with the text of Babywise, Mr. Ezzo describes two families.  The babies in these families are cousins born within one week of each other - Chelsea and Marissa. Chelsea's parents follow Babywise guidelines while Marissa's do not.  Mr. Ezzo is careful to point out that "although these are fictional characters, the differences stated in their development are factual."

Chelsea comes into this world and experiences instant calm and emotional security by observing the strength and healthiness of her parent's marriage.  Chelsea's mother loves her, but she realizes that if she sacrifices time meant to be spent with her husband by being on-call to meet Chelsea's needs as they arise (around the clock), she won't be able to meet Chelsea's internal need "to know that her dad and mom love each other."

And let's don't forget we are, presumably, talking about a newborn here.

Throughout the book, Chelsea and her parents are presented as the calm, orderly, peaceful, joyful family.  Chelsea's parents are firmly in control.  They insist on her compliance.  No unnecessary sleep props for Chelsea - she is not manipulated into falling asleep. She is laid down to nap and if she must cry for a while before she falls asleep, then so be it.  She sleeps through the night by no later than twelve weeks of age, can be easily comforted by anyone, and is essentially a joy to be around.

Oh, but poor, poor Marissa.  You see, quickly after Marissa was born, she became the center of her parents' universe.  She is fed on demand, gets picked up when she cries, she won't ever be cared for by a baby-sitter, her parents run themselves ragged meeting her many needs, and they are about to pay the ultimate sacrifice for all of this time and attention showered on Marissa: their marriage is in trouble.

The vivid contrasts go on and on and on throughout the book: Chelsea is calm, Marissa is fussy.  Chelsea's days are predictable, Marissa's are erratic.  Chelsea's mother is healthy and even has time to exercise!  Marissa's mother is perpetually exhausted.  Chelsea is being raised into emotional healthiness, Marissa is being raised with an "emotional disability." Chelsea will want to be considerate of others, Marissa will be selfish.  Chelsea will grow up respecting her parents' authority.  Marissa will call her parents by their first names because her parents want to be her friend.

Marissa's mother has been assured that you cannot spoil or hurt a new baby by picking her up too much.  Mr. Ezzo is quick to correct that by saying, "Of course you can hurt a baby by picking him or her up too mich!"  Marissa's mother has no discernment about why her baby is crying; she operates under a "block that cry" mentality.  She offers her the breast at every whimper and "wears her in a sling all day so that she won't cry." 

And then, in the one line from this text that I find to be the most outright shocking, Mr. Ezzo makes the statement that Marissa's mother doesn't take the time to assess why her baby is crying, but simply reacts "to her feelings when she hears her baby cry," and that "emotional mothering can set the stage for child abuse."  Why?  Because "a common characteristic found among abusive parents is a tendency to direct thoughtless, impassioned responses towards their innocent children."  My blood runs cold reading that again.

(I honestly could point out many more examples of the way the other approaches to parenting are presented, but I gotta think at some point I'd be playing with copyright infringement.)

Coupled with Mr. Ezzo's very clear descriptions of what life looks like for attachment parenting families is the fact that the person who gave me this copy of Babywise is someone who has children who are, in every sense of the word, a delight to be around (happy, healthy, loving, helpful, considerate, generous, kind . . . I could go on) and the person who gave me my copy of Dr. Sears' The Baby Book has children who are, oh, how can I say this? not delightful to be around, and my pre-mama self was utterly terrified to consider any alternative to the Babywise concepts.  Even though the person who gave me a copy of Babywise said very, very clearly, "take from this whatever works for you and don't worry about the rest," I just could not shake the fear of what my family would turn into if i strayed from the pages of this book.

Before Dacey was born, I grinned at the prospect of starting off my mothering journey in such a neat, tidy, orderly way.  No sweat!  After Dacey was born, for the first four or five months of her life, I sobbed at my inability to parent in a godly way and grew depressed over what the future held for my child, for myself, and for my marriage.  In the meantime, my marriage was beginning to buckle a bit under the weight of fear and hopelessness I carried. 

For the noble few who have dared stick with me through this post which is quite clearly not much more than free therapy for me - this is my chief concern about Babywise:  It's not the idea of scheduling (although I cannot get on board with cry-it-out infant sleep training as part of that schedule), it's not the way orderliness and predictability are lauded and practically guaranteed, and it's not the sketchy breastfeeding advice/information.  No, it's the inaccurate and incendiary portrayal of demand-feeding/attachment parenting and the fear this picture breeds that bothers me the most.

And thus ends the longest post ever in the history of SortaCrunchy.

Oh, I guess now I should mention that I am closing comments on this post - at least for now.  I'll be away from the computer for much of the day, and I just don't think it is wise to allow a free-for-all in the comments section on a topic like this.  If you want to share feedback with me, you can email me at sortacrunchy at gmail dot com, but I am not quite sure how timely or lengthy my responses will be.  Just sayin.

Don't forget, there will be one more post in this series, and I'll be talking about some things that God has revealed to me in the past few days - things which have to do with grace, forgiveness, and proper perspective that comes from knowing the context.

reflecting

lots of thinking in the past few days . . . lots of reflection . . .

My heart welled up when this hymn began this morning.  Such comforting confirmation:

I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

photo courtesy of samantha celera

Points to Pick with Ezzo: Part 2

Before I can fully move forth with my assertion that Gary Ezzo's word choice and word pictures in Babywise cater to and perpetuate a climate and culture of fear-based parenting, I'm going to need to back up a bit.

Some of you may not be totally familiar with the audience to whom Babywise is directed.  In the 1980s, Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo created a parenting curriculum entitled Preparation for Parenting: A Godly Perspective.  This material was based on parenting classes they had been teaching at their church in California, and it contained their philosophy on "Parent Directed Feeding" (scheduled feedings) and how it corresponds to baby's sleep patterns (including that by eight weeks, baby should have dropped the middle of the night feeding - by choice or through cry-it-out sleep training).

They first published On Becoming Babywise in 1993; it essentially contained the same advice and approach to infant care, but because it was to be released to the mainstream (secular) market, they removed the religious terminology that Preparation for Parenting contains.  At the same time, the Ezzos prepared a parenting curriculum entitled "Growing Kids God's Way" that many churches (seemingly many evangelical churches) began to purchase and offer as parenting classes in their own local churches. (more on the Ezzo/Babywise timeline at Ezzo.info)

For the average customer browsing the parenting bookshelf at her local bookstore, she might pick up a copy of On Becoming Babywise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep and think yahtzee!  We haven't been sleeping!  Maybe this man can help.  The text itself mentions church being a part of family life, but there truly are no references to Scripture, Biblical directives, or explicit instructions strictly for Christian parents in the text of Babywise.  At least not the edition I have (which as I mentioned is copyright 1995; please correct me if this is not accurate about future editions).

So, why has Babywise become the model for infant care in many Christian communities?

It is my belief that for many Christians who were parenting in the 1990s when Growing Kids God's Way gained popularity nationwide, the name Ezzo was closely associated with biblical parenting.  These parents then passed their copies of Babywise around within their communities of friends who passed them on to the next crop of parents and the next and the next.  Parents like myself would see these  families who have children who are respectful, kind, and obedient and think, "Well, if this how they handled their infants, it must really work!"  What a not-yet-parent and a brand new parent doesn't fully understand is that there are miles and miles of teaching, guidance, and, well, parenting between the rocking chair and the baseball field. 

And as many a new parent has lamented, babies don't come with instruction manuals.  And yet, here is a book written by a man who claimed to have a handle on how to "grow kids God's way," and so who better to seek advice from when it comes to adapting to those sometimes rigorous and oftentimes scary first weeks as a new parent?  And although Babywise does not contain Scripture references, it does build a foundation on Biblical truths that many Christians (again, particularly evangelicals) hold in great esteem - particularly the importance of a strong and healthy marriage, parental authority, and orderly homes.

In all honesty, I don't have a broad range of knowledge in what is popular in mainstream non-Christian parenting circles.  My friends who tend towards mainstream parenting philosophies are all Christians.  Is Babywise (the text itself, not just the ideas of Parent Directed Feeding and cry-it-out sleep training) a popular parenting handbook outside of Christian parenting communities?

Anyway, I think it's important to note that the same material printed in Babywise is material that was created for an audience of Christian parents - new parents in particular.

Think back to the months leading up to the arrival of your first child.  Did you ever feel fearful?  Perhaps you didn't.  I know I did.  Kyle and I had been married for over six years when we got pregnant with Dacey.  Things were pretty darn good, solid, and steady in our marriage.  I was more than just a little afraid of what parenthood would do to our marriage.  I was afraid of losing sleep.  I was afraid, plain and simple, of messing the whole thing up.

As a mama-to-be, I found comfort in Mr. Ezzo's assurances that by following his directives, my marriage would remain strong, healthy, and vibrant.  I wanted the transition to parenthood to be as uncomfortable as possible.  I wanted order.  I wanted predictability.  And I knew what I did not want - I did not want for my family to in any way to resemble the fictional family portrayed in the first chapter of Babywise.  THAT family fed their baby on demand.  THAT family picked up their baby when she started crying.  THAT family had a quickly crumbling marriage and would eventually allow their children to call them by their first names rather than Mom and Dad. 

More next time on that other family as well as the culture of fear in Christian parenting.

Please remember my concerns and critiques are limited to the text of Babywise.  I intend no disrespect nor negativity towards parents who have found Babywise to be helpful for their families.  I know many loving families who have taken and/or taught the Growing Kids God's Way classes.  I am not critiquing that curriculum or the families who have participated in it.

If you choose to leave a comment, please refrain from making judgmental statements about other parents and their parenting choices.

photo courtesy of limaoscarjuliet

Points to Pick with Ezzo: Part 1.5

Well now.  I feel as though I quite possibly have bitten off more than I can chew.

I applaud you for the way each of you who were brave enough to add a comment to yesterday's post handled yourselves.  Of course, this is a topic which can bring hurt feelings, angry outcries, and general divisiveness to the surface.  Although a few of the responses were more vehement than others, it was all pretty tame in the grand view of Babywise discussions.

In the past twenty-four hours, I've had some internal conflict about whether or not to proceed with this series.  I've pondered whether or not I spoke clearly enough that my purpose here is to cover my concerns with the text of Babywise, not to condemn, belittle, judge, or criticize those who have found it to be helpful and positive in their families.  I've also wondered how much time I want to invest into babysitting comments in a series like this.

I'm just going to move forward with caution and see how things play out.

The most poignant question from yesterday was from Jennifer, who asked regarding the topic of fear:

yes, I'm ready for this portion too... because i am sooooo confused about the whole fear thing. scripture tells us that a certain fear is what we are to have.

Deuteronomy 6:2
so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the Lord your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life.

but this whole fear thing seems to be so debated. especially in the AP community. i cant wait for this discussion!

thanks for an opportunity to learn! isn't that what we all want?

Yes, as you can imagine, I'm going to have to do some reading and thinking before I take that on.

* * * * *

In the meantime, I do want to say one issue I will not be covering in this series is the topic of the effects of Babywise and scheduled feedings in general on the success or failure of breastfeeding.

This is one of the most hotly debated aspects of Babywise, but I cannot with any accuracy or authenticity speak to this topic.  To begin with, I'm not a lactation consultant or an LLL leader.  I have no formal training in the science of breastfeeding.  All I have is my own experience as a breastfeeding mother.

Our oldest, Dacey, was fed on a schedule, though I didn't push the three hour span between feedings until she was closer to four months (rather than eight weeks, which my edition of Babywise instructed).  She was born at 9 lbs, 12 oz., and continued to just grow exponentially from there.  I mean, seriously, look at the child at four months:

Cuh-LEAR-ly we had no failure-to-thrive issues.  LOOK AT THOSE ARMS!  Good heavens.

Anyway, my only breastfeeding issue/problem was overabundant supply and overactive letdown.  It was sometimes painful, often messy, and in general just inconvenient, but eventually everything evened out and I continued to nurse her on a schedule until she was about twelve months old.  At that point, I began nursing her only first thing in the morning, before naps, and before bedtime.  She self-weaned at just past two.

Our youngest child, Aliza Joy, was fed on demand from birth.  Like her sister, she was born on the bigger side of newborn averages (8 lbs, 8 oz) and continued to grow at a reasonable pace.  Eventually (I would say by two months), she had found her own predictable schedule for when she wanted to eat.  Again, the only breastfeeding issue I had was overabundant supply, and again, it worked itself out.  She breastfed until she was twenty-one months old when I initiated weaning.

So who am I to speak on the challenges that feeding on demand or feeding on a schedule can bring?

Many others have voiced their concerns over the possibility that scheduled feedings can be harmful for babies.  If you would like to do more reading on the matter, here are some resources:

Ten years ago, the American Academy of Pediatrics released an official statement on scheduled feedings versus demand feedings.

AAP News Release: Babywise linked to dehydration, failure to thrive.

Many parents have shared their stories of how adherence to a strict schedule resulted in a failure to thrive diagnosis.  I was particularly moved by the one titled Just In Time.

Kellymom joins the AAP in recommending newborns be fed on demand to increase milk supply.  From Kellymom's page on low milk supply:

Scheduled feedings interfere with the supply & demand cycle of milk production and can lead to a reduced supply, sometimes several months later rather than immediately. Nurse your baby whenever she is hungry.

Here are more resources from Kellymom that address breastfeeding and scheduled feedings.

NOW, having said all of that, don't forget that I have a happy, healthy four and a half year old who is still in the 95th percentile for weight and height who was schedule-fed as a baby.  Some babies WILL take to a feeding schedule just fine; it will not work for others.  Common sense and maternal instinct must prevail.

Alright, care to weigh in?  My only request is that if you do share your feedback as a comment, please, please limit your response to criticism or support of the ideas of Babywise and/or scheduled feedings.  Please do not criticize or use inflamatory, unloving, or unkind words to describe parents who schedule feed. 

Points to Pick with Ezzo: Part 1

After Monday's post, Missy called me out as a "wimp" (privately and jokingly of course, because Missy is not one for the public name calling) for invoking the name of Ezzo and then closing comments.  So, here we go then.  I trust you all enough to share some of my thoughts on Mr. Ezzo and On Becoming Babywise in particular, and I'll just know that your comments won't stray towards personal attack.  Agreed?

Before I begin, I want to say with sparkling clarity that in this series of posts, I am in no way criticizing parents who have chosen to adopt parts or all of the Babywise philosophy.  I hope you know me well enough to know that I advocate families seeking out and discovering what works for them. 

Missy and I have different takes on Babywise, and we've discussed this at times through the years.  (I'll tell you what - you know you have a solid friendship when you can discuss everything from Babywise to abortion to President Obama to reformed theology with someone and still love them dearly and call them friend at the end of the day!)  After Monday's post, Missy and I talked briefly about Babywise again and she said, "I guess my whole thing on Babywise is that everyone I know who did it is a great mom. Many of them much greater than I, you know?  So the way I was "trained" was to use it very lovingly."  And in speaking about moms I know who do use Babywise, I wholeheartedly agree with her observation.  I would never, ever, ever imply that a mom who chooses this approach is unloving or a bad mother.  Like Missy, many of the moms I know who incorporate elements of Babywise into their approach to parenting infants are women whom I truly would consider to be amazing mothers.

I needed to get all of that said so that you'll fully know that the points I am picking at when it comes to Babywise have to do with Mr. Ezzo and his book. 

Further, I need to state that I have not read any of Mr. Ezzo's other books nor have I personally taken part in any of his parenting classes.  My point of reference is a 1995 edition of On Becoming Babywise.  I've spent a lot of time with that book, both as a new mom and as a veteran (does mothering two children under the age of five make you a veteran?  Be gracious with your answer), and left unchecked, I could prattle on and on and on with deconstruction of the entire text. 

What I hope to do in this series of posts is present some of the main points of the Babywise philosophy with which I take issue.  As a teaser of what is to come, I'll say this: the aspect of Babywise that that gets me riled up more than anything else is how (in my opinion) Gary Ezzo's philosophy caters to and perpetuates a climate and culture of fear-based parenting.

Start loading your ammo if you wish.  As long as we can speak respectfully on the topic, I welcome feedback from both sides of this divide. 

This post is part of the Ezzo Week(end) 2009 series hosted by Tulip Girl which serves to raise awareness about the concerns with the parenting philosophy promoted by Gary Ezzo.

photo courtesy of tostadophoto.com

Treading Lightly: On Ezzo Week

Through the years, I've shared bits and pieces of my struggles in trying to follow the precepts found in Gary Ezzo's On Becoming Babywise.  The burden I carry that finds its voice in As He Leads Us is born from my own need for redemption for those regrets.

There are a few reasons why I don't speak more on the topic.  To begin with, I know and love several families who have found that following all or parts of Babywise to be a good thing for their families.  It's hard to speak critically of a philosophy without coming across as being critical of families who embrace that philosophy.  Secondly, some of my concerns about Babywise are theological ones, but I'm no theologian (sometimes we SBCers find ourselves on shaky ground when we start trying to talk about theology beyond the pages of The Baptist Faith and Message), and I've not truly invested the time I need to in order to be able to speak intellegiently on the topic.

Last week, Dr. Camille Lewis wrote a piece at A Time to Laugh titled, "Things I Never Heard in Fundamentalism - Children."  This selection resonated deep within me:

The children are treated as lesser. “One anothering” is good for everyone, but the wee. The Gospel counts for you only if you can understand it, otherwise you get Law and Order! Which is really ironic because none of us really understands it, and, in fact, Jesus Himself said that the little ones get it better than we grown-ups do! A dear friend described her similar epiphany when she realized on the mission field that she was kinder to those she was trying to win to Christ than to her own children.

The dear friend to whom she is referring is Tulip Girl who this week continues her yearly tradition of hosting Ezzo Week.  Each year as the Ezzos host a conference/symposium to discuss and promote their products, Tulip Girl offers her thoughts on the philosophy and invites others to do the same.  As she noted three years ago, Ezzo Week is not about blaming parents.  It does offer some critical and alternative thoughts to this approach to parenting because there remains a need for this voice of opposition as long as his advice is still having a harmful impact on some families.

I'm closing comments today and encouraging you to take some time to poke around in the related articles at Tulip Girl.  With a shaky voice and trembling fingers, I may share some further thoughts of my own later this week.

Potty Training Power!

Yesterday, you met Sean Platt of Writer Dad.  This is a big day for Sean and his wife Cindy because today marks the launch of their highly successful, much-applauded potty training program - Potty Training Power!

Potty Training Power is a comprehensive guide to training your little one to successfully learn how to use the potty.  While it is possible to piecemeal together books and advice from others on how to approach potty training, it is so much easier and less stressful for parents if all of that information comes grouped together in one easy-to-understand, child-friendly, amazingly detailed package.  That is exactly what you will receive with your Potty Training Power purchase - along with full, unrestricted email access for support from Sean and Cindy.

I am excited to be a part of the Potty Training Power affiliate group, and honestly, this could not have come at a better time for us.  AJ has initiated the potty learning process far earlier than Dacey did, and because we were decidedly more laid-back with the process with Dacey, I don't have the tools in my Mommy Toolbox to know how to help AJ get over these last few hurdles to being diaper-free.

(Oh, diaper-free!  So thrilling to know we are just days away!)

I am astounded at what all Sean and Cindy have included in their program.  There is a thoroughly comprehensive e-book for parents that guide you from the initial preparation/strategizing stage all the way through setting up routines for success and how to handle accidents.  It also includes a video and cute children's e-book called Number One and Two It!  I think one of the best features is the unlimited email support which means you have someone to hold your hand and answer your questions throughout the process  They've tucked in a few other bonuses with this program and you can read all of the details at the Potty Training Power home page.

What I find to be most interesting is that in the first edition of Potty Training Power, families experienced a 100% success rate!  Can you imagine?  Sean and Cindy are so confident in the power of this program that they offer a money-back guarantee for each purchase. 

If all of this sounds like a program that will work for your family, please use the button in my sidebar to make your Potty Training Power purchase.  I can't wait to hear your success stories!

On Infant Toilet Training

I am absolutely thrilled to share this guest post with you today from Sean Platt (Writer Dad).  Sean is a gifted writer who shares inspiring, powerful, and profound thoughts on all things family, and today he speaks on much-discussed, often-debated topic in the parenting community - infant potty training:

“Everyone is born a genius, but the process of living de-geniuses them.”
~ R. Buckminster Fuller

Considering the countless tons of “disposable” diapers sitting in piles under heaps beneath mountains of trash, each taking an exponent of eons to evaporate, it’s a good thing infant potty training is something that is slowly catching on again in this country.

It’s a slow creep for sure, but with every year that passes, more parents are starting to realize the multiple benefits of starting potty training early. Not just in saved dollars from unneeded diapers, but for the ease of the training and benefit to the child as well.

Getting your child to see things your way becomes exponentially harder as they grow older. Why wait? Why make it harder for yourself or your child? Why continue to change diapers day after day, year upon unnecessary year? Why continue flushing money down the toilet with the expense of diapers, when you could be flushing your child’s elimination instead?

After over four decades of moving in the opposite direction, the United States is now witnessing a growing trend to embrace the potty training principles already displayed by much of the world. Parents are learning a multiplicity of invaluable techniques that allow them to encourage their infants to eliminate inside a toilet, sink or otherwise appropriate receptacle.

Their babies may be too young to walk or talk, but they are certainly old enough to observe and respond. One of the triggers leading to the abandonment of early potty training, at least within the United States, is that it lies in direct opposition to the strategies articulated by the most famous child development expert of all time, Dr. Benjamin Spock.

Dr. Spock spoke the gospel for many American families throughout much of the last century. His final word on potty training was clear - hold off until the child had demonstrated readiness on his own. Something that doesn’t happen before the end of the first year. Early potty training, according to Dr. Spock, would only lead to eventual rebellion, digression and bed wetting. Dr. Spock’s theories are easier to question after decades of distance. 

Humans have potty trained their infants for thousands of years. For 99.9% of that time it was in a tribe’s best interest to get their child trained efficiently, a practice that has continued across most of the globe without the slightest bit of damage to worldwide psyche.

Yet infant potty training has a rich tradition and a wide body of knowledge, experience, and recorded data to articulate the best direction. Parents in over seventy-five countries, including India and China (sharing the largest proportions of world population) wholly embrace the practice of potty training their infants. Chinese babies, for example,  are most often found in split bottom pants that allow for simple squatting and easy elimination.

These countries not only believe in the practice of toilet training their infants, they believe that early potty training helps contribute to early cognition. By stoking the skill set of their children at the earliest possible age, they are adding fuel to a fire they hope to burn in perpetuity.

We never want to force our children into something they are not ready to do, and we mustn’t ever skip our steps. But our children deserve the credit. We should always assume they are able until we find out that they’re not.

Writer Dad writes about family often, and potty training sometimes. Subscribe to his feed or follow him on Twitter.

Infant potty training is also referred to as elimination communication, and it is an approach practiced by a growing number of families in the natural living community.  Intrigued?  Come back tomorrow for more potty talk.  I look forward to hearing your thoughts!