SortaCrunchy Q&A - Parenting Books: Some Favorites of Mine

 

Back in bleak January, I asked you to ask me some questions to inspire me when I get bored with myself and have no idea what to write about.  Brilliant June has wooed me with her wiles, and I've found myself once again incapable of pinning down thoughts.  So I'm turning again to that wealth of great questions to try get myself back on track here.

The ever-lovely, always-wise Stephanie of Metropolitan Mama wrote:

I have two questions:
1. Do you plan to have more kids? Why or why not? (If that question is too personal, feel free to ignore...).
2. What are your top 3-5 parenting books?

I answered that first question in March with a big fat unhelpful question mark.

So, parenting books it is!  (WOW, I'm talking about books and reading a lot this summer. I hope you don't mind.  I spent every summer of my childhood, adolescence, and, well, let's be honest, adulthood with my nose stuck in a book.  Summer = reading for me!)

Most everyone who knows me knows that I had a not-so-great experience with parenting books when I first started out on this parenting path.  Because of this, I have a complicated relationship with parenting books.  I approach them with equal parts cynical skepticism and eager expectation.

I know this - a formula approach doesn't fit well for me.  I'm completely a global thinker, so books that lean heavy on philosophy are the ones that I tend to be drawn towards.

As I've thought about sharing some favorites with you, I've realized that all of the ones I have enjoyed the most fit into three categories: theological thoughts, understanding ages, and family dynamics.  (So Stephanie, I'm afraid you're going to get way more than 3-5 books in your answer!)

Theological Thoughts

* Heartfelt Discipline: The Gentle Art of Training and Guiding Your Child by Clay Clarkson is a great book.  You might be familiar with the books and ministry of Clay's wife Sally.  I so admire their approach to godly parenting.  Clay is very open and honest about his shortcomings as a parent, and in the opening pages of Heartfelt Discipline, he shares his thoughts on the Jesus's parable of the seed and how that plays out in parenting.  That part of the book was an eye-opener for me, and truly changed my view on my role as a godly mother!  He is also a conservative evangelical who provides an alternative view of "the rod" passages in Proverbs that are very enlightening.

* Biblical Parenting by Crystal Lutton is a book I picked up after Heartfelt Discipline.  Crystal is an incredibly smart, well-educated, passionate and compassionate woman who believes strongly in the instruction from Titus 2 that older women are to be teaching younger women how to love their husbands and children and run their homes in ways that honor Christ.  (It is a mystery, isn't it, why so many popular parenting books in evangelical circles are written by men.  Puzzling.)

Biblical Parenting is the essential handbook for grace-based discipline.  In it, Crystal explains "the difference between what a relationship looks like when it is under Law versus under Grace."  She speaks clearly on boundaries and offers consistent encouragement to remember that grace-based parenting is not permissive parenting.  She offers an in-depth study of "the rod" verses and provides some helpful, practical parenting tools for those who want to pursue an approach to parenting that avoids punishment.  It's a short book full of scripture and encouragement.  I have found that the people who have this one on their bookshelf at home tend to hang on to it quite tightly!

Understanding Ages

I think an essential aspect of effective parenting for me is educating myself on what is age-appropriate for each season of parenting.  NOT so that unwanted behaviors can be overlooked, but rather so that those behaviors can be understood.  For me, understanding the why behind a behavior is so pivotal to finding a solution for correcting the behavior.

Two recommendations: the Ames and Ilg series Your ______ Year Old is a good starting point.  These were written in the seventies and are not the most engaging reading you'll ever pick up.  In fact, they read a little bit textbook-y.  But they are short and provide some great insights into what is happening developmentally at each age. 

One of my favorite lines from Your Two-Year-Old: Terrible or Tender is this:

In associations with other children, at this age, one rule seems cardinal in the child's mind.  This is that he is going to hang onto and defend to the death any toy he has played with, is playing with, or might play with.  (ed. note: *snort*)  His possessions are almost a part of himself, and to give up anything is highly painful to him.  "Mine!" is still a key word to him.

YUP.

Knowing this about my two year old doesn't mean that I let her take toys from others or refuse to teach her about sharing.  It does mean that I anticipate that the circumstance that requires her to share has the potential to be tense, and I prepare myself for that and try, as much as possible, to set her up for success in that situation.  I know that it's part of the age she is growing in and through, bearing in mind that she will eventually mature to a point of wanting to share instead of being forced to share.  (Just saw that happening today at the library when she easily shared a bracelet she was wearing with another little girl who was interested in it.)

So, yeah.  I like the Ames and Ilg books for that kind of information.

Two other ages and stages books that I like that I think do a good job of blending philosophy with practical pointers are The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two (Revised and Updated Edition) by William and Martha Sears (you knew that would show up here, didn't you?!) and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers: For Their Early Years--Raising Children Who are Responsible, Respectful, and Resourceful (Positive Discipline Library) by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Ann Duffy.

Family Dynamics

* Families Where Grace Is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen is what I am currently reading.  And it is just . . . wow.  I've had to start it and put it down and then come back to it because the material is so, so, so convicting and challenging.  AND GOOD.  As I've thought about what to say about this book, I've decided I'm going to write up an entirely separate post about this book, so I won't say too much at this point. 

One of many things I love about it, though, is that it is not just about parenting.  He speaks extensively on marriage, and treats family relationships in a very holistic way - examining how everyone in the family relates to one another rather than isolating parenting.

On the cover, there is a quote from Bill Hybels that says "the single best book on the family that I've read in years," and I whole-heartedly agree.  Again, more thoughts on it another time.  But it is definitely, absolutely a (new) favorite.

Does it seem strange to you that someone who has complicated feelings about parenting books would have more than a dozen in her Amazon cart?  Because I do.  At least a dozen.  Here are a few I'm hoping to get to in the next year:

Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes... in You and Your Kids Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller

Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) Gavin de Becker

Easy To Love, Difficult To Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills For Turning Conflict Into Cooperation Becky A. Bailey

Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids Kim John Payne, Lisa M. Ross

Kids Are Worth It! : Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline Barbara Coloroso

What about you?  Have you read any of my favorites?  Agree or disagree on my selections?  Have some favorites of your own to share!  Let's talk books!

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