Oh, y'all. OH. Y'ALL.
I have been meaning to post for days and days to say THANK YOU for the outpouring of love and support following the post about the angry, but the time ... it just races every day. So today, I'm forgoing a shower to make it a priority to come here and share this with you.
I cannot even explain to you how much your words of empathy, support, and comfort have meant to me. As soon as I hit Publish on that post, I felt 1000 times lighter. I truly did. It was so powerful to be able to give words to all that I had been so ashamed to say out loud.
I was nervous about how it would be received, of course. I'm still struggling with the concept that it's okay to be angry, even in the face of such enormous blessing. The day I published that, my dear friend Vanessa whose son has battled the vicious beast of childhood cancer texted with words of support. Then one of my best friends who has spent years coming to peace with the ugliness of infertility texted with love and encouragement and camaraderie. Then emails started pouring in, many from other moms of twins who said I SO GET THIS.
It was a gift of grace one hundred times over to have people assure me that it's okay.
And I was reminded of when Heather wrote about your hard is hard, and how so many of us (including and especially me) have found such freedom in saying, my hard is hard. And your hard is hard. And comparing pain isn't necessary. We can hear each other and acknowledge the hard that those around us are living through. And we can agree that it shouldn't be this way. And we can look forward together to a time coming when it won't be this hard.
One last powerful side effect of me opening up in that post is that more than a few close friends reached out and said, "Hey, Megan? I think you've got some PPD working here, too."
That? COMPLETELY knocked me off my feet. I didn't have PPD with the girls, but I have plenty of friends who have dealt with it in various incarnations through the years. And what I was feeling just did not look like PPD at all. But some very wise friends spoke gently to me about how anger is one of the first indicators of depression. I asked my sister and my husband, people I speak to every day, and they agreed without hesitation that PPD could be robbing me of experiencing the all-too-short infancy of these little men.
So, I turned to some people I trust very much who know a good deal more than I do about seeking out natural approaches to health and healing before turning to pharmaceutical solutions. Together with Kyle and some prayer for direction, I decided to start with supplementation, assuring those who were concerned about me that if I didn't see some significant changes, I would call my doctor.
I'm a therapeutic dose of high quality fish oil and I'm downing B complex like never before. And I have to tell you, honestly, it has made a HUGE HUGE HUGE difference in my ability to cope with the reality of mothering two infants. I also have been leaning heavily on positive, healthy self-talk scripts, and that's been incredibly helpful, too.
This isn't to say that I waved a Be Happy NOW! wand and everything changed instantly. Yesterday was a really REALLY tough day with lots of crying and neediness from both boys. I got worn out and run down and I did cry some, but I didn't sink into the hopelessness and blackness that had become such a familiar landing spot when things were hard with the babies.
I went grocery shopping on Tuesday, and of course I had the boys with me. There are always quite a few older women at this particular grocery store, and on that day, four or five of them stopped me to tell me how very blessed I was. Two of them (separately) even looked me in the eye and asked, "How are YOU doing?" And you know what? I didn't burst into tears! (<---- that had happened on more than one occasion since the babies were born.)
I smiled and said, "I'm doing well. Better. A lot better."
And I am.
And there is no doubt that the communal love, support, and prayer you have offered on my behalf isn't at the root of my decision to minister to my body and my mind in this season when my hard is very, very hard. Thank you, thank you, sweet friends. Thank you for holding my hand.
With a big squeeze and a big grin,
A Less Angry and Much Happier Megan