Megan Tietz :: SortaCrunchy

secret sabbath: a gentle invitation to once-a-month rest

"When I start my period, I give myself the day off." I was seventeen when Patti confided this to me, and twenty years later, I still hear her words.

When I was a senior in high school, my parents and younger siblings moved to Pennsylvania for my dad's job, but they let me stay behind in our small Oklahoma town to finish high school. Patti and her husband and three kids (including my dear friend Trisha) took me in and loved me through the turbulence of those months that mark the tremulous transformation from child to young adult.

I guess I remember Patti's words about her monthly day off because it stood in such remarkable contrast to the rest of her life. Her days were full not only with mothering but also professional and creative pursuits. Her life brimmed with activity, but as I recall, this one day she would cancel as much as her schedule would allow and stay in her pajamas if she possibly could. And I remember her being completely unapologetic about it, too. This is my day off. A flag she planted in the map of each month.

And here I am, two decades later, finally realizing the wealth of wisdom in this practice.

It is a practice that makes me feel connected not only to Patti, but to the rituals of ancient cultures when menstruation meant seclusion from family and community. Days off required by the culture must have been a welcome relief from the perpetual physical labor of caring for a family in those times.

When the postpartum months following the birth of my children finally yielded to the return of normal cycles, I was surprised each time by the alarming intensity the beginning of my cycle brings. In fact, these days the first day of my cycle is so intense, I have almost no choice but to stay close to home.

It has only been in the past year that I've stopped fighting against this New Normal to take the path that Patti marked for me, the one I have to imagine is one well-tread by women of the long-ago past. In the season of mothering, it's all too rare to be given the day off; if it's a day of rest and gentleness I am craving, then I'll have to take it myself.

original picture by Laura D'Alessandro

So that's what I'm doing today. I'm thinking of Patti, who four years ago next month lost a long and brave battle with cancer, and I'm lifting a mug of hot tea to her smiling memory. I'm indulging in a new book, and I'm taking the path of minimal energy with my kids and my chores and my mind. I took a shower and got into a fresh set of pajamas, and I'm keeping the shutters closed, tangible reminders that today, I'm off-duty.

The only wall of resistance I find myself bumping into, however, is the one our current culture built in my mind. There is a part of me that resists this secret sabbath, a voice that speaks in disapproving tones of laziness and selfishness, of the shame of taking so many steps back for women everywhere, of setting an example for my own daughters that is weak and self-indulgent.

But I continue to quietly pushback against those lies, knowing in my heart that sabbath never about self-indulgence - it's about self-care. Sabbath is never about shame - it's about choosing restoration and healing. Sabbath is is never about weakness - it's about possessing the strength to choose rest.

And in the same way Patti showed me a new ritual in the midst of the mundane for marking these days, I hope to teach my daughters how to walk this path as well. I'll risk the awkwardness to extend to them this same invitation to take it easy as each new cycle begins, and I'll hope that from the start, they'll see the worth in slowing down to honor the wonder of womanhood, no matter how uncomfortable this skin may be at times.

But for today, I'm staying curled up in my cozy chair, unwrapping the good chocolate and laughing wtih my kids and dreaming of a warm bath for Mama after bedtime, mindful but not bemoaning the ache and the necessity of the day.

oh, how happy I am when creativity wins

My new favorite podcast is NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour, and last week's show "Too Old for Youth Culture and Toys" was a great episode with opinions flying over being "too old" for anything as well as nostalgia for toys of golden-age days gone by.

Interwoven in the discussion was a call-back to familiar adult-isms, sayings like "kids these days!" and "get off my lawn!" which segued into another perennial topic of conversation amongst adults - how modern technology is robbing our children of the simplicities of the childhood we (collectively) shared. The hosts bemoaned the fact that if they had had access to the highly evolved video games of today, they would have missed out on making up games with friends and siblings, on make-believe and fantasy, on all of the things that a healthy amount of boredom creates.

I'm no stranger to that line of thinking. I myself have done plenty of hand-wringing over screen time and the Xbox and Pokemon obsessions and Disney shows. From the moment I read the first page of Amanda Blake Soule's The Creative Family, I purposed in my mind that my children would be raised in a family culture that relied heavily on creativity, creation, and creative living.

Then I resisted screen time at all angles until sheer exhaustion with the battle led me to lay down my sword, burdened with the guilt of surrender.

Something amazing keeps happening though, something that I didn't expect but couldn't be more delighted to find is true: even in a home with access to Minecraft and Pocket Frogs and Jessie, when given free time, my girls still choose creative work over and over again.

On Sunday, they invited over a neighbor friend, and they meandered around the house a bit, checking out AJ's new Pet Pet Park account and listening to a CD in the girls' room for a bit. Eventually, though, they ended up in the dining room - the room that has become Creativity Central in our house. Their friend requested the origami book, and she and Dacey got it out and got to work.

AJ doesn't like origami, so she turned to the art supplies to which they have free reign access (and full responsibility for caring for and putting away) and went to work on her current favorite object of art: rocket ships.

Together, the three of them spent the better part of the afternoon chitter-chattering away, folding paper and coloring and making up stories and dreaming and laughing. And it just made me so very, very happy.

As I sat there, watching them work with a goofy grin on my face, I thought about how this wasn't an isolated incident in our home. It truly happens more often than I give them credit for, the choosing of creative work over a screen. Whether it's baking or embroidery or fiddling with Makey-Make or writing books or just making up elaborate worlds in which the drama of their stuffed animals' lives play out, they are always up for doing something.

I'm sharing this today, I suppose, not to brag or congratulate myself, but more to give hope to the mom whose kiddos are a few years behind mine, the one who is cringing each time her little one points to the iPad, the one with the Minecraft music providing a soundtrack to their days. Keep the crayons within arm's reach and never stop letting them sit on the kitchen counter while you stir up the next batch of cookies.

With your own actions and words, keep showing them how fulfilling the creative life is, and I'll share in your delight when you, too, discover that creativity wins.

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Natural Family Planning with Fertility Awareness Method: How and Why It Works for Us

This summer marks nine years since I first opened the pages of Toni Weschler's classic reference book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and what I discovered in that book changed my life forever.

After I briefly mentioned in yesterday's links post that we've been free of hormonal birth control for nearly ten years, I got a few emails from people asking for a little follow-up information on how to get started with practicing natural family planning or what specific tools/resources we use to make it work for us. I figured if a few people were brave enough to ask, I could have the courage to open up our bedroom door (again) and share with you what I know and what has worked for us.

Before I even begin, however, let me throw out a few disclaimers:

1) I am not a medical professional in any sense of the word! Please do not take my words here as medical advice. I am just a practitioner of this approach; I am not an expert.

2) I do not have any medical conditions that would necessitate a pharmaceutical solution when it comes to my reproductive system. Which is to say, I do not have PCOS, endometriosis, or any kind of medical condition that would cause another pregnancy to be dangerous for myself or an unborn child. While my pregnancy with the twins was difficult, overall, I have boring, textbook pregnancies.

3) We do not practice Fertility Awareness Method because of religious convictions. I do not believe contraceptive use is morally wrong, and I have no problems believing the scientific research showing that current forms of hormonal birth control and copper IUDs do not cause abortions. We practice fertility awareness method because we like it, and we feel the decision was Spirit-led for our marriage. I'll share more about that in a moment!

How do I get started with natural family planning using the Fertility Awareness Method?

Before you even begin, have a conversation with your partner to see if he is open to this method of family planning. FAM necessitates at the very least an openness to alternatives to intercourse, if not abstinence. I just can't imagine how feasible it would be to effectively practice FAM without both partners being all in.

The very next thing you should do is check out a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility and start reading! Yes, at over 500 pages, it's an enormous undertaking, but I can also tell you that I didn't read it cover-to-cover. My oldest child was four months old when I read it, and I can promise you that I didn't have the time or energy to read the book in its entirety, but I found everything I needed to know in its pages.

I think you will discover, however, that once you start reading, you will be AMAZED at all that you didn't know about how fertility works! It's all quite fascinating, and it's an investment that every woman should make. I believe that with all my heart! And be sure to share what you are learning with your partner as well.

(Alternatively, you can read this information PDF from Sympto.org - I have not read it in its entirety so I can't provide a ringing endorsement, but it looks very thorough. I still have quite a bit of fondness for TCOYF.)

How do you chart?

We use the sympto-thermal method of FAM which means that (ideally) I keep track of both my basal body temperature (I've used this thermometer and though it's not fancy, it works for me!) and cervical mucus to determine my fertility window. I say ideally because after about six months or so, I figured out my fertility signs pretty easily. The only time I have charted BBT, CM, and cervical position (the 3rd sign of the fertility phase) with excruciating consistency was when we were planning to get pregnant with AJ. By the time we got pregnant with the twins, I knew my patterns and signs well enough to know when to say let's go!

There are a variety of tools you can use for charting, many of which are far superior to the paper and pencil charts I used nearly a decade ago.

When my cycle returned after the twins were born, I began using the Kindara app on my iPhone and I cannot say enough great things about it! (Sidenote: I am not affiliated with Kindara in anyway. I am just an enthusiastic app user!) Their website is as beautiful, intuitive, and user-friendly as the app, so I would invite you to click around over there and get to know them.

How do you practice FAM when you are breastfeeding and your cycle has not yet returned?

Ah, yes. The postpartum phase. I will not try to pretend that this isn't the hardest part of natural family planning for me! Yes, I have exclusively breastfed each of my four children to the six month mark, but I did not follow all seven standards for ecological breastfeeding (we used pacifiers and I did not nap with them). If you are devoted to ecological breastfeeding to avoid pregnancy in the postpartum time frame, you can read an overview of what that would like look here: Fertility Awareness in the Life of a Breastfeeding Mom.

Honestly, we are not great role models in this phase of life. After each of the girls' births, we were open enough to another pregnancy to be pretty relaxed about everything. Obviously, for us, that worked out okay.

After the twins, however, I was a complete nervous wreck. The demands of life with two infants, however, meant that for a long stretch of time, our sex life was, well, not the most active it has ever been in our marriage. When we did find our groove again, we weren't concerned to the point of using any kind of barrier, but I did watch for signs of the fertility window by monitoring my cervical mucus with hyper-awareness and noting a dip in breastmilk supply, a factor from my past postpartum seasons that I knew meant the return of my cycle.

(Note: when I say I used hyper-awareness, I'm telling you that I checked my cervical fluid almost every single day. I know that seems extreme, but I really did not want to get pregnant! And since it just takes a moment to check it, it was a more convenient for us than using any kind of barrier method. And yes, I could have charted my BBT during that time and that probably would have helped me not be a nervous wreck, but I didn't because twins.)

This article from The Garden of Fertility has some pointers to look for as you watch for the return of your cycle while breastfeeding. Most all of the research I've found suggests that the best course of action for couples hoping to continue practicing FAM through the postpartum season is to take a class with a qualified teacher.

How do I transition from The Pill to FAM?

I think the standard approach to this is to allow at least three to six months of careful charting to fully learn your own personal fertility signs. If you are using FAM to get pregnant, you can and should have sex in the fertility window phase in your first few cycles, but don't be discouraged if you don't get pregnant right away. Learning how your fertility works is an incredible and empowering process, but it doesn't always mean instant pregnancy.

If you are transitioning off hormone-based birth control into FAM and want to avoid pregnancy, I would suggest using the same three month guideline to learn your fertility signs. As you navigate your first one or two cycles, I think the wisest choice is to abstain from intercourse altogether. This is not to say you can't fool around altogether - just avoid intercourse!

In the following cycles, you might consider doubling up protection by using both a condom (or a female condom) and diaphragm. (Remember this life lesson from Ross and Rachel! Condoms are only 97% effective!)

This information on using fertility awareness to abstain from pregnancy really drills down into some specifics if you are looking for more direction on how to avoid pregnancy.

There is definitely a learning curve to FAM, but the great news is that once you get the hang of it, it becomes incredibly and wonderfully intuitive! You have many years ahead of you to enjoy this approach to family planning. It's tough in the beginning but very, very worth it.

How do you deal with abstaining from sex during your fertility window?

We are not big on barrier methods (no convictions about them, just lazy), but we certainly don't practice total abstinence during that phase either. We do avoid intercourse, but there are lots of other activities to enjoy during that time! In the same way that co-sleeping with our babies encouraged us to be creative about our sex life, practicing FAM also motivates us to explore alternatives to intercourse that leave us both feeling fulfilled.

Aside from religious convictions, WHY would anyone want to practice Fertility Awareness Method?

After reading what this looks like in our lives, you might be tempted to think UM OKAY NO THANKS. 

As I've written about briefly before, I originally became interested in FAM because I do not like how being on hormonal birth control makes me feel. I did okay on it for six years before I got pregnant with Dacey, but just a few weeks on the mini-pill after she was born and I felt like I was losing my mind. Looking back, I wasn't doing all that great on birth control before she was born - it had just become normal for me.

Additionally, hormonal birth control zaps me of libido. I have often wondered if the classic stereotype of the sexually uninterested wife is actually an indicator of how many women have lost their libido because of hormonal birth control.

Fertility Awareness Method allows me to experience the fullness of sexual desire that I believe all women should be able to enjoy! For me, it's a return to the heady hormones of adolescence but without having to heed the STOP signs of that season of life. Within each cycle there is definitely a peak to that surge in desire, but even outside of the fertility window, things are pretty freaking good in the get your motor running department. For that reason alone, I cannot imagine going back to hormonal birth control.

And then there's also the added benefit that our fertility as a couple is a running conversation between the two of us. For me, I feel like there is an experience of true unity in the practice of natural family planning because there is no aspect of our sex life that isn't open for discussion, and we have these conversations often.

Finally, because we talk about it often, I think both of us are far more sensitive to the direction of the Holy Spirit in the matter of planning our family. There were a few months after my cycle returned after the twins when I was pretty insistent that one of us have a permanent procedure done. Kyle was hesitant and asked that we both just pray about what direction to take. After a few months of prayerful consideration, I discovered I didn't really feel complete peace about a permanent solution either.

That's not to say we're definitely planning for more children, but it really reminded me that we can trust God's work in our hearts to nudge us one way or the other when it comes to family planning.

In closing, I want to share what my friend and mentor Karen wrote on a post about natural family planning on the Facebook page today. It is filled with far greater spiritual insight than I could offer you:

NFP has worked great for us, except when it hasn't. But, it has also taught us lessons along the way, that each intimate act, even with the best of precautions, is itself an act of creation. And, that when we partake of that mystery, we need to ALWAYS be prepared for that act of creation to occur. The birth of the trust that God knows what He is doing, even when we wonder otherwise, has been an incredibly powerful part of both mine and my husband's spiritual journey. And, without the gift and discipline of NFP, we never would have gotten to grow and stretch our faith in that way.

That's a beautiful way to frame it, and it's a thought I'm going to hang on to for a while.

There are books, classes, seminars, trainings, and discussions that you can seek out for more exhaustive and/or technical information. All I know to offer to you is how it works for us and why we have chosen this practice for over nine years. You are welcome to share follow-up questions or responses in the comments. I can't promise that I have any answers, but perhaps someone else in the community will!